Top 5 Lists

Top 12 Quotes:
12)"Kiss my class!" - me
11)" your not anyone in America unless your on t.v."
10)"that song kicks asprin" -Tias

9)"When a problem comes along you must zip-it!"
8)"You jam like smuckers" -Pancho
7)"Spank ya very little!" -Pancho
6)"Joseph had a coat of many colors, but doug had a face of many chins"
-Me
5)"If your a fag dont Brag"
4)"I must of wung the wong number" -Pancho
3)"A woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, and you'd
step over your own mother just to get one!" -Homer Simpson
2)"Honk if your horny" -Me
1)"Walk softly, try carrying my big stick!" -Me

Nikki:"Hey there cutie!"

Chris Lusk:"I know you didn't just call me cutie!"

Nikki:"I speak the truth!"

Chris Lusk:"I could sop you up with a biscuit!"

Top 20 Oxymorons:
20. Government Organization:19. Alone Together:18. Personal
Computer:17. Silent Scream:16. Living Dead:15. Small Crowd:14. Taped Live:13.
Plastic Glasses:12. Tight Slacks:11. Peace Force:10. Pretty Ugly:9. Military
Intelligence:8. Working Vacation:7. Tax Return:6. Cooked Sushi:5. Dodge
Ram:4. Work Party:3. Hard Water:2. Healthy Tan:1.Aunt Jemima Light.

TOP 9 Rhetorical Questions 9: If quizzes are quizzical, then what are tests?
8: There are 24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case... coincidence? 7:
If the folks at the psychic hotline were really psychic wouldnt they call
you? 6: If you cant drink and drive, then why do you need a drivers license,
to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots? 5: How does the guy who
drives the snow plow get to work in the morning? 4: If a chronic liar tells
you he is a chronic liar, do you believe him? 3: Why do people point to
their wrist when they want to know what the time is, but they dont point
to their crotch when they are asking where the bathroom is? 2: If pringles
are "so good that once you pop you cant stop" then why do they come with
a resealable lid? 1: Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I
think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Lamest Joke EVER: What disease do cows have? Utter insanity!!

Stupidest Question Ever Asked:
You walk into the Library and see someone you know and they ask, "What are
you doing here?"

These were the winners from the Washington Post Style
Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and
female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their
choice and explain their reason.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE --
male, because even
though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of
its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS --
female, because they always
go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE --
male, because it goes bald and often
is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON --
male, because to get it to go anywhere
you have to light
a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air
part.

SPONGES --
female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain
water.

WEB PAGE --
female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE
--
male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER --
female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are
pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS --
male, because they hold everything in and you can always

see right through them.

SUBWAY --
male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS --
female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER --
male, because it hasn't evolved
much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE
CONTROL --
female...One would think male. But consider: it gives man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons
to push, he keeps trying.

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way
out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt

is spoiled when it starts to look
like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like

regular cheese.
Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more

spoiled than it is already.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block

radius to congregate
outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots"

that should be seen
on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green

growth areas are a good
indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

LETTUCE
Lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the

vegetable crisper without cleanser.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a football

should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie into a knot is not fresh.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but

it only works if you have a wife.

UNMARKED ITEMS
Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not "burp" when you open
them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster.
Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

What is the difference between men and women?

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
to bite people themselves.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything
you know.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
any worse.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable

application of high explosives.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!

TOP 5 REASONS YOUR A REDNECK....
5.Your mailbox has no lid.
4.Someone askes you if you are a virgin and you say no my names john not
mary.
3.Someone says lets go out to eat, and you say i'll get the picnic
table ready.
2.You think condoms are for your fingers.
1.Your wanting to find a date outside the family.